New Year was always a time I looked forward to, sharing New Years eve with friends, phoning family at the bells, steak pie with family on New Year’s Day and a sense of hope and excitement at what the New Year would bring, making New Years resolutions and the feeling of the slate being wiped clean, everything feels new – first dog walk of the year, first meal of the year etc.
For the last 9 years it has brought around opposing feelings, since my back and mobility problems started. I don’t feel any excitement just exhaustion, another year of pain and no hope for the future. Being in constant pain is extremely tiring and I am beyond exhaustion both physically, emotionally and mentally. The thought of ANOTHER year of constant agonising pain is soul destroying and definitely not something to look forward to. If it were just the pain it would be easier to cope with but its not ‘just’ pain, it affects everything in my life, every movement even down to breathing and eating too much all creates more pain and has a knock on affect with everything I do. Life is for the living is a saying that keeps creeping into my thoughts as I am not living, just existing and taking up space on this planet. Constant pain is no life and if it weren’t for my 2 lovely dogs I don’t think I would still be here and that’s not a statement I am proud of but it is factual and not said to gain sympathy. My dogs are my life (and that is a statement I am proud of) as if it weren’t for me adopting them who knows what life, if any, they would have had. So I saved them by rehoming them but they have saved me over and over again every day, by just being themselves.
Life has been extremely hard with no glimmer of light in the darkness….until now anyway. There is a spark of light that I’m trying to grab hold of but the final decision is not mine to make unfortunately so again I have no control and have to leave it in someone else’s hands. I would love to regain (some if not all) control of my life and not have to rely on other people. I just hope in this instance that the people I have to hand over control to actually push for it as much as I would if I could. If not they will get sick of my nagging lol
The glimmer of hope is that the FDA have just recently approved an implant for chronic pain in back and legs! (See my previous post with link) It wouldn’t solve all my back and leg problems but should take away a lot of the pain that exhausts me so much. I have been told that once something has been approved by the FDA that it shouldn’t be too long before it is released in this country, so I have emailed all 3 of my specialists and spoken to my GP asking them to put me forward for the trials for it, as even if it doesn’t work it won’t put me in any worse a situation than I am in now and it has gave me some hope that medical researchers are trying to come up with things that could help and if it does work then I’m laughing!
Life is a gift, mine just broke after some use and I don’t know if it will/can ever be fixed! Fingers crossed that 2015 does fulfil its potential of faith and anticipation and I can regain some ‘normality’ to my life. Although it has been so long since I have felt normal that I have forgotten what it feels like!
And now the guilt has started! Here’s me feeling sorry for myself when there are a lot of people in worse off situations than me, I have a roof over my head, am unconditionally loved by my 2 dogs, have food in the fridge, money to pay bills, family and good friends and wasn’t born with mobility problems so was able to live my life as I wanted for part of it so I have a lot more than many to be grateful for. Yesterday I spoke to a homeless women, who appeared begging outside the shops just before Christmas. She has been sat on the freezing ground every day. She is homeless and jobless with an 11 year old son and a 6 year old daughter in this cold weather, through the snow and ice. She told me that I was the only person to stop and speak to her, she said everyone just walked past looking the other way as if to ignore that she existed, but as I told her, it doesn’t take much for any one of us to end up in her position and ignoring a problem doesn’t solve it or take it away it just shows ignorance and lack of empathy. Life sucks at times and the only way we can get through things is with the help of others, even just a smile can change someone’s day. So my New Years resolution is to do something nice for someone else every day even if it is just acknowledging that they are there when I’m passing them on the street. It doesn’t take much, if everyone did the same, to solve a lot of the worlds problems. As a society we have disengaged from each other and 1 bit of kindness shown to another will enrich your own life as well as theirs.
Happy New Year and all the very best for 2015 let’s make it the year of being nice to one another xxx