Are they really a possibility for me?
A common saying – ‘wish you all the love and happiness in the world’ but really is it possible for someone in my position with mobility problems, chronic pain and single to meet someone that would forgive you a multitude of things including the inability to have sex and them not to feel like a full time carer?
If I had met someone, fell in love then my mobility problems and pain started then it might have been simpler but then they still could have left me and I’d be in the same position as I am now!
Every day is a struggle to get through, even doing the most mundane, every day tasks drains me of energy due to the amount of pain it causes. I don’t want to live this life that I have been dealt so why would anyone want to share it with me? When even doing a poo creates spasms in my back, I can only imagine what pain intercourse would cause plus I have no interest in anything sexual, which I think is to do with all the meds I am on, decreasing my libido to nil.
The people I meet and socialise with only see me on ‘better’ days, so none of them know the true extent of what I go through every day, they don’t know that after I have seen them I can barely do anything for the rest of the day or that I am exhausted for days after. Even when I socialise on Facebook, which is my main social platform, I rarely mention my disability (except in the group I set up -https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingwithdisabilityanddogs/?fref=ts) I stay upbeat even though inside I am screaming/crying. Basically I put on a brave face, only my dogs know the physical and emotional roller coaster that I face daily, and I don’t know how I’d feel opening up fully to someone else. I have shut myself down from many people and don’t trust as readily as I used to because so many people have let me down. Even strangers let me down the way that they treat me with their ignorance, they won’t move out of the way for me in my wheelchair but will for someone pushing a buggy, which reinforces the feeling that I am nothing and worthless, they see me struggle to reach something on a shop shelf and just stand and watch rather than offering any help. Before my mobility problems I would have rushed to help and if I am able to help someone now I do, so yes I do feel let down by even strangers!
So even if I found love, would the happiness follow or would the other person start to resent me in the future? As they would be taking on a carers role, having to help me out with housework, shopping, help me up from falls, helping me move around, pushing my wheelchair – not very romantic is it! Would it be a worse situation than I am in now as I could feel more guilty or be wondering why they are with me all the time and wondering if they pitied me and thats why they were with me as they couldn’t face breaking up with a disabled person? All these questions have no answers as everyone is different right, so what flies with one doesn’t fly with the other but I would drive myself crazy searching for answers and never believing the answers I got!
I am lucky that I have my 2 dogs who love me unconditionally and that is a rare thing for a human to possess! I guess as well that I have to relearn to love myself before anyone else can.