Over the last couple of weeks, since being asked to start this blog and setting up a Facebook group, I have realised quiet a few things about myself and others. My eyes have been opened to how I have been letting other people treat me. Subconsciously and consciously I have been putting myself down since my disability started 8 years ago, telling myself that I am no longer good enough, constantly let people down and that people are better off without me. This started because I lost so many of my ‘friends’, who I realise now were not true friends but instead only there when they wanted something from me like going out to a nightclub/shopping with them etc, and when I stopped being able to do the things they wanted me to do they soon disappeared. Other people just didn’t want to know or even try to understand and berated me behind my back and those people I didn’t see for dust!
I didn’t understand that just because I couldn’t do things the way I used to, didn’t mean by performing the action a different way that it wouldn’t end in the same result. I thought that because it took me longer, it wasn’t as good! I know how ridiculous that sounds now but I was putting myself down in so many ways that it seemed logical to me at that time. My body wasn’t good enough so why would anything else be. So this mental ‘self abuse’ transferred into how I was letting others treat me. I was letting them take advantage of me and did nothing about it as 1. I didn’t realise and 2. I didn’t want to lose more people from my life, but now I understand that if they are treating me like that then I am better off without them in my life as it is better to have a few good friends than many ok/bad friends as they offer nothing but take everything if you let them. It took me being asked to write a blog and to meet a really good friend that showed me how real friends behave, that jolted me back to the real reality and showed me that I am good enough, the things I do are good enough and that I am enough. This is a small step towards accepting my disability.
Acceptance of my disability is a huge mountain to climb and can only be done in very small steps. After 8 years I am only just starting to accept it and realise that there is still a future for me its just a different future from what I expected. Before, my future was outlined in my mind that I would travel the world, spend time in Thailand, continue and build my own business and someday be married with kids. None of these things are now possible due to my condition – I am unable to travel as it causes too much pain, I had to close my business as I could no longer do it (it was a beauty salon and I specialised in massage) and I can’t see anyone want to marry me because of numerous things pertaining to my medical issues including not being able to have sex as it causes far too much pain just getting in and out of bed let alone anything else and even if I could manage intercourse there is no way I’d be able to go through pregnancy or give birth but I now have time to volunteer with animal charities, make things to sell on animal rescue auction on Facebook (The Animal Rescue Auction Group -https://www.facebook.com/groups/tarag/718290741591996/?comment_id=722546871166383¬if_t=group_comment_reply) and spend more time with my dogs. I haven’t got to the stage of acceptance where I can outline a future for myself yet but I know that it is possible instead of just a black hole! And who knows maybe my disability has lead me to my natural life path?!
So the people that gave nothing back to me have been found out and I am slowly eradicating them from my life. This is not an easy task but it is essential for my own well being as the stress that they cause me adds to my pain. I realise through talking to others in similar situations that sometimes these people can be family members so are not easy to get rid of, and it doesn’t seem to matter how many times you explain your situation to them as they don’t WANT to understand . I used to say I didn’t want people to understand because to truly understand you would need to be going through similar and I wouldn’t want to put my worst enemy through the daily pain I go through, but there is a difference between people that try to understand and those that don’t no matter how false they may act around you and others. I have came across it myself people act over the top, doing everything for you even things you don’t need help with but only in front of an audience and these others can be strangers that they are never going to see again but in their mind it is important that these other people see what a great person they are to bolster their own ego, but behind closed doors when there is no-one else around they don’t lift a finger to help in fact they watch you struggle! I can’t get my head around how these people think, as they obviously realise you need help but are only willing to help if they can show off to others what a good person they are or if they can get something out of it and a ‘thanks’ is simply not good enough! So its time to say a long overdue GOODBYE to these people and wish them the best. I can say this not through bitterness or resentment but if they continued to be in my life then the resentment would build and I would become bitter through their actions and I have enough problems to deal with without adding bitterness to the list as bitterness eats away at your core, debilitating you more, no matter who you are.
‘Selfie’ of me and my best mate John who helps me in so many ways, I’d never be without him, he is such a great person and I feel privileged to have him in my life.